The 5 stages of grief...

I've realized this week that I am in mourning.  I am mourning my relationship with food, because it is clear that it is over.  Food has been my refuge, my safe place, my happiness, my everything for so long, that it is killing me to give it up.

That's why I'm on this journey; to break the addiction and to end the toxic relationship, but I'm not going to lie, it's emotional for me.  I'm losing something I have depended on my entire life.  Yes, I will still eat, but not the comfort foods I'm used to now, like chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and corn; not the chocolate that releases endorphins and serotonin.  These neurotransmitters work to lesson pain and decrease stress and act as anti-depressants.  No wonder I literally start feeling better after a big chocolate intake, and no wonder I'm addicted.

For the most part, I have lived a pretty charmed life.  I have been loved.  I have always had a roof over my head and food to eat.  My family never let me go without.  I am blessed, but there were some bad things that happened in my past that led to some depression and anxiety.  I have been dealing with that for many, many years.  The depression is gone for the most part, but the anxiety is something I still have to deal with, and I think I've been dealing with it by eating away my feelings.  I'm not sure that will make sense to people who aren't addicted to food.  You know how some people go to alcohol for comfort and to escape their troubles; I go to food.  Well, I did, but I can't anymore.

This revelation has caused a mourning process in me.  The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Currently, I am in the depression stage.  I'm sad that I won't ever again get to relish in my bad food.  I'm sad that I have to say goodbye to the best friend I have had since I was little.  Someone hurts my feelings, I eat.  Something great happens, I celebrate by eating.  Friends want to get together to hang out, we eat.  Quality time with the husband, we eat.

How will I function without food as my crutch?  My bff? My one constant in what can be a chaotic life?  I'm going to have to figure it out I suppose.  People have suggested to find something new and healthy to be addicted to like exercising.  I am actually excited to have the opportunity to workout again.  I used to do it five days a week, but a couple of falls down the stairs caused me to have back trouble, and the weight has made it so much worse that working out feels impossible.  Hopefully, once the weight is off, I can get back to the gym!

Let me go back and tell you about the first few stages.  Denial.  Well, that one was easy.  I decided to have the surgery, and then I was like, everything will be great, this is the end of my worries, this will be easy.  Yeah DENIAL!  Nothing about this process is easy but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Anger.  This was my "why me" stage.  It wasn't pretty, and I'm glad it's over.

Bargaining.  I totally did this during the three days before the "real" ten day liquid diet.  Example: "I did so good today that I can have this tonight." or "I already messed up so let me just get that for dinner."  That is no good.  I'm glad to be out of that stage.  It was super counter-productive.

I think I'm slowly getting to the acceptance stage.  The longer I'm on liquids (five days now), the closer I come to accepting this is the "new normal."  I don't like it, but I'm coming to terms with it.

I looked up why I needed to be on a liquid diet before surgery, and I found this to be informative and helpful. I'm not saying I thought they were making up the whole shrinking liver situation, but I just wanted to know a little more.  😊